How Psychedelic Therapy has Healed my Spirituality, my Mental Illness, & yes, even my Sexuality.
DISCLAIMER: While I vehemently disagree with the unjust laws currently in place prohibiting the use of naturally-derived psychedelics (i.e. psilocybin, peyote, ayahuasca, &c.) in the majority of the United States, and I hope and pray for the day when legislators will legalize these crucial, healing medicines, I do not advocate for the use of psychedelics in areas where they may be illegal, and strongly discourage their use outside the care and supervision of competent medical and mental health professionals. Please, be extremely careful to know your State’s laws regarding these medicines.
Underlying painting credit: One Eternal Round by Rose Datoc Dall
I know, I know, the first thing that you probably think of when you hear the word “psychedelics” is stoned Hippies revelling in “free love” and tripping out on LSD on a commune somewhere—but, that’s not what I’m discussing here. I hope to shatter that stereotype and the stigma attached to it. The healing effects of psychedelics are so much more profound than a failed social experiment from the 60s and 70s.
Credible studies from prominent universities are showing that through their proper usage, when overseen and facilitated by competent medical and mental health professionals, and when done in conjunction with therapy, they have been shown to have a miraculous role in helping people receive true healing from treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, PTSD, and addiction. I’ve seen this for myself.
A Little Background on my Mental Health Journey
I have struggled with major depression and anxiety since adolescence. It’s been a constant battle in my life, and has severely affected me at times. From substance abuse, to suicidal ideation and attempts, to unhealthy sexual habits and encounters, and even institutionalization at 19 years of age, I’ve been through the gamut of issues. After my quite literal come-to-Jesus moment at 21 years old, I’ve tried to find solutions to my mental health issues. Since Western medicine tells us that the only solution is to take some synthetic, pharmaceutical drug paired with talk therapy, and maybe attend a secular support group like AA or SA if addiction is in the mix, I diligently explored all those avenues to attempt to fix myself, but nothing has ever worked in the way it’s been promised.
For decades, I’ve been engaged in what I call the “drug shuffle”: transitioning through several types of SSRIs, SNRIs, psychotherapists, and psychiatrists, hoping and praying that the next pharmaceutical or bit of counselling advice would finally provide me the relief and healing that I was so desperately seeking. And while some of these drugs and therapists provided some answers, the results were always fleeting. I would build up tolerance to the drug, then I would need to switch drugs, then the new one would wear off, then another therapist or psychologist would recommend a new drug, and then the cycle would continue over again. No real answers, no real progress, no real healing—just frustration, pain, and hopelessness. And ultimately, I was left feeling incredibly discouraged and exhausted from trying everything that I could and nothing working.
These pharmaceuticals not only didn’t work adequately, but they numbed me from being able to feel a full range of emotions. I often felt like I was in “zombie mode.” No, I didn’t feel as depressed or anxious without them, but I also couldn’t feel much of anything at all; I couldn’t feel intense sadness, but neither could I feel great joy or elation.
Yes, of course I had my faith in God and his plan, and I had faith that his grace could heal me, but I also knew realistically that Jesus didn’t heal every blind or crippled man. I also knew that the Apostle Paul himself was left to deal with the “thorn” in his flesh, even after praying three times to have it removed from him. Yes, God’s grace provided me with the supernatural support that I needed to get through the worst of my bouts of mental illness, but just barely it seemed. My fallen body, my corrupted mind, and my wounded heart needed physical and emotional healing, but who knew if that healing would come in this lifetime. I felt like God must have provided tools and medicines to facilitate more permanent healing from the chronic mental illness I was experiencing than the fleeting solutions of Western pharmaceuticals, I just had no idea what that solution was or where to find it.
The prophet Mormon tells us in Alma 46:40 that many of the Nephites were healed from illnesses “… because of the excellent qualities of the many plants and roots which God had prepared to remove the cause of diseases …” Could God not have created a natural solution to mental illness? After all, some antibiotics, like penicillin, were derived from fungi—why couldn’t there be something to heal the mind as well?
Various articles on studies of psychedelics’ effects on mental health
Rediscovering Psychedelics
A few years back, I started following several credible fitness and mental health influencers online, and began hearing about these studies coming out from prominent universities showing that macrodosing psilocybin (one of the active psychotropic chemicals in “magic mushrooms”) had a profound influence on helping individuals with PTSD, addiction, and treatment-resistant depression or anxiety achieve more-or-less permanent healing from their conditions. At first glance, I honestly disregarded it as just new fanciful hogwash coming out of another radical Leftist university. But, after digging into the actual studies, I was intrigued.
Admittedly, my only experience with psychedelics was abusing them back in my teenage raving days. I would recreationally abuse large amounts of ecstasy and LSD to trip out as hard as I could to escape and numb my unresolved, underlying mental and emotional wounds, then reap the horrible effects of withdrawal and burnout afterwards. It left me feeling strung-out and more depressed than anything else. Additionally, I had seen too many of my raving friends frying their brains with massive doses of acid and frequent “K-hole” spelunking, completely ruining their lives.
So, years later after finally getting sober and surrendering my life to Jesus, I didn’t have any positive opinion of psychedelics whatsoever. In my mind, these “Hippy/party drugs” were only good for one thing: degrading and perverting one’s mind and one’s perception; definitely not for providing any semblance of “healing” whatsoever. But, being so exhausted by the constant uphill battle of ineffective medications and therapy, I was getting desperate for a real solution, so I was willing to reconsider psychedelics as a kind of last-resort/hail-Mary option if nothing else worked. Afterall, could all of these studies be wrong? There must’ve been at least some slight validity to them. And what did I have to lose if I at least just tried it, except some money and a few dead brain cells? My mental health couldn’t get much worse anyway.
Deciding on Ketamine Therapy
Long story long: I decided to just go for it. There are several options for psychedelic therapy, predominantly ketamine, psilocybin (magic mushrooms), DMT (ayahuasca), and mescaline (peyote). I would’ve much rather gone with a naturally-occurring psychedelic substance, but since the three latter substances are unfortunately highly illegal in the majority of the country—and I didn’t have the money or time to be constantly traveling to either Oregon or Colorado to do psilocybin therapy, or pay for exceedingly expensive ayahuasca or peyote retreats—ketamine was the only real option for me, with it being legal in all 50 states. And while ketamine is technically a synthetically-produced psychedelic drug, it is nominally present in nature.
There are four different ways to take ketamine therapeutically: IV infusions; injections; nasal sprays; and sublingual troches. These can be done in clinics or at home, but I personally chose to undergo injections at a local ketamine clinic, largely because I wanted the professional oversight in person, and their clinic was the cheapest in town and had the most experience. (Special thanks to Nurse Todd Merkley, RN, MSNA of Sunrise Ketamine Clinic in Ammon, Idaho.)
Photo from WashU Medicine article: Psilocybin generates psychedelic experience by disrupting brain network.
The Brief, Layman’s Science on How Psychedelics Heal the Brain
When psychedelics are taken, the active psychoactive chemicals act as “psychoplastogens,” chemicals that help the brain reorganize itself by rapidly promoting new structural and functional connections. This is called “plasticity.” This plasticity makes the brain more malleable, opening up new channels and permitting new growth of the synapses (the brain’s connections) which had previously been suppressed or warped over time.
Since infancy, our brains have been forming and reinforcing both positive and negative synapses in the brain’s physical makeup. If we’ve experienced minor or major traumas, our brain can and will reinforce negative synopses and the subsequent coping mechanisms, such as detachment, anxious avoidance, rumination, or impulsive numbing-out and dopamine hits through things like substance abuse, porn, or sexually acting out. These negative cerebral connections become gradually reinforced and entrenched over time, until they become essentially irreversible, and sadly, often form our perception of our identity and potential. This is the origin of nearly all mental health issues, except for a select few, exceedingly rare, genetic disorders.
So, when taken and dosed properly, psychedelics have been proven to create rapid and intensive plasticity of the brain, allowing past traumas and their negative synopses to be more-or-less starved, and new healthy, positive connections to be forged within the span of a few hours, depending on the type of psychedelic used. When done in conjunction with therapy, preferably within a couple hours after the height of the trip, these new healthy synopses can be more positively and permanently reinforced. This means that decades of major anxiety, depression, PTSD, or addiction can be resolved within the span of several macrodose sessions. (Special thanks to my therapist, Mike Fitch CMHC, LCPC, of AAEM Counseling & Consulting who’s helped me in my journey.)
The results that I have seen in myself have been nothing short of miraculous!
How Psychedelic Therapy Healed Me:
I — Healing of my Faith & Spirituality
For years prior to the ketamine treatments, I had been struggling with my faith and spirituality. I knew that the Restored Gospel is true, that the Book of Mormon is true, that Jesus is real and is my Savior, but I was really struggling and anguishing over my purpose, my eternal perspective, how to improve as a husband and father, how to better preside over my family, and what my place was in my ward and local Church family. I knew, intellectually, the answers to these questions, but knowing how to properly apply these teachings was horribly confusing and frustrating. Exacerbating this confusion and frustration was a poignant sense of guilt for falling back into numbing my pain and emotions with porn and masturbation after 12 years of not feeling even remotely tempted by those things anymore. I was extremely disappointed in myself for letting this become a habit again and not being able to shake it through antidepressants or therapy.
Because of the prior experience aforementioned that my friends and I had had with psychedelics in my teen years, I was quite concerned with the prospect of potentially having my faith and eternal perspective skewed during the treatments, and the possibility that my inhibitions around chastity and sexuality might become distorted. But I felt through prayer and fasting that the Lord would intervene in the process for me to maintain and even strengthen my faith. Before each treatment, I determined to prepare myself by getting myself into a prayerful, meditative state, focusing on the Lord, my true identity, the Plan of Salvation, and exercising faith in Christ that his grace would work through these treatments to heal my mind. With each ketamine injection I received, I stayed prayerfully focused on my Heavenly Father, asking for his healing intervention in this process.
Ketamine is a dissociative drug, meaning it disconnects the mind from the body. The trip on it is quite difficult to describe, but for me, this is how it felt: When it started to kick in, my mouth and body began to feel numb, I felt dizzy, and then I transitioned into a deep, calm trancelike state. My spirit felt separate from my body, like I was floating in a geometric ether, until I was almost stripped of my physical and spiritual self completely, and was left as a naked consciousness existing in an empty, vast space.
In that state, I heard myself remotely asking questions like, “Who am I? What am I doing here? What’s my purpose?” I felt scared and alone, wondering if anyone was listening to me, and what answers might come, but the answers came as quiet reassurance: “You’re my son. You are loved. You matter. You have infinite purpose.” My consciousness interpreted this as Heavenly Father speaking to me. In response, I said things to the effect of, “Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother, I love you! I know I’m your son. I know who you created me to be.” I found myself crying out for Jesus, thanking him for saving me, asking him to heal me. It seemed like my love and connection with them only solidified through that exchange. I felt a profound love and appreciation for them, and felt an encouraging confidence in myself and the man they created me to be.
Similar exchanges like these continued during my subsequent treatments, although each time becoming more elaborate, allowing me to dive deeper into my connection with my Heavenly Parents, the Savior, and reinforcing my identity as a man and my role as a husband and father. In connection with this, my appreciation, admiration, and love for Tefany and my children strengthened. I felt more intensely connected to them, desiring intently to want to bond and cleave to them, and be the shepherd and presiding influence that they needed me to be.
I felt a more resounding confidence in my God-given talents and strengths, and the eternal uniqueness of my intelligence, which uniqueness, talents, and strengths I could use to build Zion. Having lacked any confidence in myself and my abilities to act and create for decades, this realization was such an empowering and yet humbling boost to my self-perception. I desired greatly to use these things for the good of my family, my brethren, and my community.
Although I normally don’t feel comfortable sharing so openly very personal spiritual experiences like this, I don’t fully trust that these experiences, had under the influence of ketamine, were true spiritual experiences, in the sense of clear, God-impressed revelations that I’ve received in the past when sober standing in holy places. That being said, I do believe that in my attitude of my prayerful and meditative preparation, the Lord was able to be present and disperse his grace into these therapeutic sessions, facilitating deeper healing than what might have been otherwise possible. I truly felt him present there with me, using this physical tool to administer grace to heal my physical brain and my mind and heart.
II — Healing of my Mental Illness
Due to the decades of negatively-reinforced connections in my brain and the accompanying coping mechanisms surrounding my identity, my value, and my self-confidence, my depression and anxiety worsened and became fortified in my mind until it became an inseparable part of my mortal being. It distorted my perception about myself, my purpose, my belonging, and my ability to change. I was trapped in a self-defeating cycle; someone to be acted upon rather than to act and use my agency to progress.
The spiritual awakening that I had through the ketamine treatments I feel was the core basis for my mental healing. Being reminded fundamentally of my eternal identity, and not just knowing it intellectually, but really feeling it and knowing it in my bones, helped me to realize that I’m not a slave to my mind and body. I am a literal son of God, created in his image. This earthly vessel that I’m bound to does not have power over me, but I can make it dominant to my spirit, if my spirit is aligned with the Father’s will. I am an agent to act for myself! Somehow, this realization and the determination to forge my own destiny—not in a prideful way separating myself from God, but in the submitting of my spirit and natural man to him—my depression and anxiety has dissipated. I feel a joy and confidence in the future that I’ve only caught glimpses of in the past.
Yes, I still have my concerns about how things will work out in my mortal journey, but not to the extent that those things are debilitating me, keeping me from moving on or moving past them. I no longer feel enslaved by negative perceptions about myself and my capabilities. I have faith that the Lord is working out all things for my good. How can I languish in misery when I’m so blessed in my life?!
III — Healing of my Sexuality
And now, to address the most controversial part of my experience: For those of you who may not know, in conjunction with my mental illness, I’ve been plagued by the recurring pull of SSA (same-sex sexual attraction) and lust since my adolescence. It’s been one of the most incredibly painful experiences that I’ve tried to grapple with; from loathing myself in my youth for feeling these feelings; to living an open homosexual lifestyle in my late teens/early 20s; to forsaking my homosexual relationships and surrendering my life to Christ, and doing my best to align my will and sexuality to the Father and his law; I have suffered trying to find the best way to reconcile my sexuality with my faith. Then imagine this struggle being exacerbated by anxiety, depression, and RSD (rejection sensitivity disorder)—this experience has been horribly detrimental to my life.
Probably the most painful part of this journey since turning my life to Christ, has been striving to create healthy, godly relationships with men in an attempt to desexualize them through fostering platonic (affectionate, non-sexual) intimacy with them. But, the lack of interest from most men in our culture for this type of connection has only worsened feelings of RSD, making me feel unloved, unaffirmed, and unwanted by other men. This in turn, fed back into my SSA, making me want to turn to porn and masturbation as a subconscious way of “connecting” with other men. The dopamine hit from the orgasm served as a superficial type of fake intimacy. I was yearning for more meaningful connection with other men, and not being able to find it in the intimate way that I needed to receive it to foster healing, left me feeling completely frustrated and severely hurt. I was beginning to feel bitter and resentful towards the men in my elders’ quorum and in my neighborhood who I was trying to form friendships with.
I honestly wasn’t expecting the ketamine treatments to affect my SSA in any way. But, they have in an undeniable way.
With the spiritual awakening that I’ve been receiving through the treatments, I’ve been feeling an intense sense of confidence in my eternal identity as a man and resoluteness and boldness in fulfilling the roles in connection with that identity. During the ketamine trips, I saw the harmonious intimacy, unity, and love between our Heavenly Parents and their unending love for us, their family. Seeing their marriage as the prototype for all mankind, I desired more intently to want to emulate that in my own life and marriage. I felt a more intense love and pull towards my wife, Tefany, and to want to cleave unto her as the Father cleaves unto Heavenly Mother. I desire to cleave unto my wife and no one else; woman or man. Feeling these things just felt so right, so pure, so whole.
The on-and-off struggle I had had between feeling love for my wife, and feeling conflicted by homoerotic attractions on the side, seemed to fade away, becoming completely irrelevant. It just wasn’t “a thing” anymore when I was in that moment, feeling that semblance of celestial love and unity with Tefany and my Heavenly Parents. And, in the hours after the ketamine trip adjusting back into “reality,” the whole SSA issue in my life—the memories of my past homosexual life, the crushes that I had felt for men, the struggle with homosexual porn—seemed to be merely a distance memory; it didn’t feel real, like that could’ve ever been part of my life in the past. It feels bizarre even now fathoming that my past life even included homosexuality, because at the moment, I don’t feel drawn to that sin whatsoever. It really doesn’t cross my mind much anymore.
This isn’t to say that I’m not attracted to men anymore. I’m still definitely attracted to men, but solely in a platonic, brotherly way. I’m attracted to men for their personality, their wisdom, their righteousness, the strengths in them that I admire and want to emulate in my own life; but, nothing sexual. It feels wonderful to desire friendship with men solely out of a brotherly desire to foster fraternity without any underlying sexual attraction complicating and corrupting the motivation and relationship. Accordingly, the rejection sensitivity that I used to feel around men has subsided. I feel more confident around them; that I belong among men and am not marginalized.
As a man among men, I belong, I am valued, I am loved.
Psychedelics Engender Wholeness
I feel whole. I don’t know what else to say. In a sense, that’s one of the integral purposes of God’s plan, isn’t it? Inseparable from God’s desire for us to become like him and Heavenly Mother and share in their nature and glory, is a desire for us to share in fullness, or wholeness, in their joy, peace, and happiness; a wholeness of purpose, identity, and mission in perfect unity with them. I seek wholeness in them through the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ. It is possible. Psychedelics have been a physical tool to help me attain that in this life, and to work towards a fullness of joy in the life to come.
I pray for your success in obtaining the same, whether with or without psychedelics. God bless you in your individual healing journeys.
