What Gay Porn Searches Say About Same-Sex Attraction
*Warning: this post contains a few sexually explicit words or phrases.
A friend recently shared a Fight the New Drug article (link here) with me which partially details trending and popular gay porn searches and views. Their data on “Most Viewed Gay Categories” was surprising. To me, it reveals the underlying issue that’s contributing to same-gender sexual attractions for many within the community. See the graph below from the article.
Other articles I’ve read point out that some of the trending searches in 2023 and 2024 include phrases like, “camping buddy”, “curious straight friend”, and “bromance”. I don’t know if you see a common thread here with many of these searches and views, but for me, this all stems from an unmet need for connection with and acceptance from other male peers. It’s a deep, subconscious yearning for platonic intimacy with other men, but that need has never been adequately fulfilled.
Dr. Floyd Godfrey, a clinical sexologist, stated: “Everyone has legitimate needs for bonding and attachment that are inherent from birth. Our craving for connection is a survival mechanism wired into our genetics. These needs cannot be avoided, but are often wounded or neglected. In that scenario, a person becomes more vulnerable to having their legitimate needs for attachment become sexual in nature. Similarly, it’s common for other emotions to become sexualized when they are related to attachment wounds or deficits” (see his Sexual Attachments webpage).
This isn’t meant to pathologize every iteration of pornography consumption, because, let’s face it, porn is often only used just to satiate one’s lustful urges. But, it’s extremely common, from my own experience and seeing these themes in the lives of the majority of my SSA (same-sex-attracted) friends, that it’s wounds and desperate needs for deeper connection that are subsequently sexualized. I would surmise to say that this is the same case with heterosexual porn usage as well—or any other type of disordered sexual attractions that fall outside the normal order God ordained between a man and woman—in which certain body features or stereotypes are sexualized or fetishized.
I feel embarrassed to be so vulnerable about something so incredibly personal, but in my own off-and-on strugglings with pornography, I’ve found myself searching for similar themes revolving around straight (heterosexual) men. My searches have almost entirely consisted of finding images of nude straight men in platonic situations, like a sports team showering together after a game, soldiers screwing around together at the barracks, or maybe college guys jovially streaking together—the type of platonic nudity among guy friends that used to be acceptable in our culture, or what is still had in some European or Asian cultures. I’ve strictly avoided anything where it looks like the men may be homosexual or engaging in any type of homosexual behavior.
I’ve paused and reflected many times about what keeps me searching for these specific images. I’ve found, when I cave into my carnal desires to search out these things, it’s when I’m feeling lonely, rejected or ignored by male friends, and feeling like none of them truly care about me. So, ultimately, what I’m seeking for when I search out those images is that I’m yearning and starving for friendship, brotherhood, and affection from and intimacy with brothers. I yearn to be seen, accepted, and affirmed by them. And when those needs aren’t met, I feel forced into a proverbial emotional corner, and it feels like the only solution to getting those needs met in some way is through viewing those photos; almost like I’m there with those men, engaging with them in their brotherly fun and experiencing some semblance of intimate connection with them, although a fake semblance of it. It’s so sad when I think of it that way, but it makes total sense to me that I’m sexualizing what I’m desperately lacking, to harken back to Dr Godfrey’s findings.
Whenever we discuss the struggles we might be having with mental health or SSA, and trying to find the solution, my SSA friends like to joke with me and post the above meme in our group chat. If you know, you know. Although it’s somewhat poking fun, there’s truth to fact that more often than not, among the myriad of reasons that we may be struggling, or whatever may have triggered us to act inappropriately, the core issue is unmet needs.
I think this often correlates exactly with what other SSA men sexualize and what they correspondingly search for in porn. Men who’ve lacked father figures in their lives may sexualize “daddy” porn; men embarrassed with their body or physique may search for buff, muscle-men images; men insecure with their masculinity may seek out jocks, cowboys, or rugged men in their web searches. I don’t think it’s that simple, and sexuality, sexual attractions, and arousal templates are extremely complex, but I believe all these derive from needs that we have either been neglected or deprived. The unmet need for connection; the unmet need for affirmation; the unmet need for acceptance and belonging; and for me, what’s most lacking in my life personally, the unmet need to receive deeper displays of platonic intimacy from my male friends. (This last one isn’t accepted in our wider culture, but I think the solution is found here in this article I wrote.)
When we are able to receive and enjoy healthy intimacy with our guy friends, the fake, superficial forms of connection and quick fixes just aren’t appealing or desired anymore, because it feels healing and fulfilling to receive the real thing from real friends and brothers who truly care for us. It makes us feel loved and whole. And amazingly, I’ve seen this for myself and in the lives of other SSA LDS men that I’m close with, that that connection ultimately helps us to desexualize other men and be able to enjoy brotherhood in a completely platonic way (see my other article here where I detail this more). I just want guy friends who care about me as much as I care about them, and who will show it through their time and actions, not just their words. That’s what I yearn for more than anything in my relationships with other men in my community. I think that’s one of the first changes that we need to make our culture generally to heal our society and create a people more ready for Zion.
